this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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