I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
