Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
