Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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