dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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