My liver just broke up with me...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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