what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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