i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
