Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
