HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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