I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
