when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
