I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
