My boss' voice literally gives me gas
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
