dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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