If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
