I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
