Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
