he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
