i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
