Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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