I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you win again, gameday.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
