i just sent this text using only my big toe
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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