omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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