It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
