if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it hurts more in the daytime
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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