did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
