I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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