Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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