OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
