I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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