He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
