Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
