my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
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i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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