i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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