I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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