super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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