You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
