my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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