I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
