i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
