We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
