So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
