you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
