I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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