i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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