Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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