When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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