I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
