we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
