did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
