Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
