I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
