Your tits are I can't wait for
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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