god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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