The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
