So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
