I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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