So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
