I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
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A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle