oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
