I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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