he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
