God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
